There are spells when I'm sitting for full hours, and time doesn't seem to move, or exist even, and I think I hear things and they're all just a dream, or I think I've dreamt things before, and really I've heard them. The scary thing is, you don't know what's real and what's delusion, consequently losing all touch with reality, and before you even know it, people seem to notice and ask, "what's on your mind?" And you can't say "oh, just busy questioning everything and nothing at the same time," so you describe an object in the room, like, "isn't that light fixture stunning?" It's all just blending together; different drunken nights spent at bars with "friends" that don't know you, going to the same eateries for lunch and ordering the same meal you ate last time...
So you close your eyes and it hurts so bad, physically you feel it, though you have no marks, no bruises. The pain is more than you can bare, but nothing comes out. You have nothing to show for it. And I laugh, and jot, "what a horrible time to be alive."
Everyone's voices float airily about you, and they're near, but they feel so distant. The bullshit and game fuckery that you see through, because your heart's beating too fast, and your eyes are watering too much, and no, you're not crying--you know the trick to this game. But they tell you you're wrong. Do you acknowledge something someone says with a comparison to your own life, or not acknowledge them at all? Time for a cigarette.
I have surpassed the idea of black-and-white; the belief in impossible; the idea that everything can be so clear-cut, concrete. It's much more complicated than it all seems, even when I make it that way, it couldn't ever be as simple as everyone makes it out to be.
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