A constant struggle deciding between trendsetting and something for which the world may not be ready

You’re driving, leaving some location where you fulfilled some obligation, the only obligation you may have, when you feel the dread take over. You need gas… But no, that’s not it… You just filled your tank. You have something to do, but you always could be doing something. You could look into those appointments you need to make, or the bills you need to pay, but it seems better to drive around, even though this gas has to last you until Friday, and the smarter thing to do would be to just go home and throw in a load of laundry.

But to go home, where those responsibilities lie, the piles of clothes and paperwork, the emails requesting prompt payment for accounts overdue, the lists of tasks to complete before you can actually move the hell out of your “home," that dread takes hold tighter than the original gloom you felt leaving your obligation. You’d only end up laying in bed for the night watching Netflix, feeling sorry for yourself, wishing someone would come over and drag your ass to your desk or elsewhere, so that maybe today wouldn’t be a total waste. 

You’d get out of the car and take a walk, to clear your head, but it’s so cold; you’re always cold anymore, so cold sometimes your face feels like you got a Novocain shot right in your cheek. So you light up, let it drift, and unfortunately remember those plans you have for dinner. Maybe. You never specified if you’d make it when you replied, “I’ll let you know.” 

You should go: not spend money on food, not waste another hour driving around, fulfill the visit so you’re off the hook for another week or so. But the company is daunting and you’re disconcerted. If you just go get it over with, maybe next time won’t be so bad. But you feel it, the overwhelm, now a noun, like a wave, and you’re pulled back out to the ocean, except you can’t fight the current anymore. Now you’re exhausted, and decide “tomorrow," though you’ll be deeper at sea. Then just seems like you'll be able to fight it. The day's half over anyway, and that means it is over, if you round up.

Tomorrow, every day, it’s always tomorrow.